(scene: judge's bench or podium)
JUDGE -- (enters wearing black robe, crosses to bench, pounds gavel) This court will come to order. Our next case is the state versus Barbara Johnson. Are the attorneys for both parties present?
PROSECUTOR -- (enters carrying file folder, crosses speaking) The charge is willful destruction of public property, Your Honour. (opens file folder, drops on bench)
DEFENDANT -- (enters opposite carrying box full of papers, crosses speaking) Ah, hi, I'm Barbara Johnson and I will be representing myself in this matter, Your Honour. (puts down box)
JUDGE -- You realize that if you can't afford an attorney, one could be appointed for you by the state, Ms Johnson?
DEFENDANT -- I quite understand, Your Honour. I just prefer to represent myself.
JUDGE -- Then, you are aware of the old saying, "Anyone who represents himself in court has a fool for a lawyer"?
DEFENDANT -- Yes, I've heard that saying, Your Honour. But I have what I think is a very convincing defence.
JUDGE -- Very well. (reads) I see you've decided to wave a jury trial.
DEFENDANT -- Yes, Your Honour. I trust you.
JUDGE -- Your confidence is overwhelming. Let's hear the evidence. Call your first witness, counsellor.
PROSECUTOR -- (turns shouts) The state calls....
DEFENDANT -- Ah. I'm prepared to save the state a great deal of time and money, Your Honour.
JUDGE -- You what?
DEFENDANT -- The defence will stipulate to the charges as filed.
JUDGE -- (points to file) But you pleaded "not guilty".
DEFENDANT -- That's right.
JUDGE -- But by stipulating to the charges as filed, you admit that you... (reads) "Threw a brick through the window of the department of motor vehicles."
DEFENDANT -- After I stood in three different lines, the clerk at the third window told me that my paperwork wasn't complete. She told me I'd have to come back another day and stand in line again.
PROSECUTOR -- Objection. A reason for breaking the law is not an excuse for breaking the law.
JUDGE -- Objection sustained.
DEFENDANT -- Oh, ah, that's not my defence, Your Honour. I take full responsibility for losing my cool and breaking the window.
JUDGE -- You do?
PROSECUTOR -- She does?
DEFENDANT -- Yes.
PROSECUTOR -- In that case, the prosecution rests, I guess.
JUDGE -- Then I guess we're ready for defence arguments.
DEFENDANT -- Good. I have a whole box full of arguments, Your Honour. (points) You see, I had the trial delayed for three months, so I could collect all of these letters.
JUDGE -- Letters. Letters from whom?
DEFENDANT -- (picks up letter) Well, let's start with this one. (reads) "To whom it may concern. I am a little old lady, whose husband died recently. And I had no one to mow my lawn. Your defendant, Barbara Johnson has mowed my lawn every week for the last month. (lays letter on bench)
PROSECUTOR -- Objection. I fail to see how mowing a lawn...
DEFENDANT -- Four times. I mowed her lawn four times during the month. (points to letter) She didn't make that clear in her letter.
PROSECUTOR -- Regardless, I fail to see how mowing a lawn ANY number of times is connected to breaking a window.
DEFENDANT -- If the court will allow me to read a few more letters, the connection will become crystal clear, Your Honour.
JUDGE -- Ms Johnson, I have other cases pending. I'm not going to let you take up the court's time reading a whole box full of letters.
DEFENDANT -- Please, Your Honour, let me read a few more. It will only take a moment.
JUDGE -- Very well, I'll let you have some latitude here. But I'd better see a connection here soon.
DEFENDANT -- Yes, Your Honour. (picks up letter, reads) "To whom it may concern. During the past two months, your defendant, Barbara Johnson, has volunteered 43 hours at our orphanage, reading to the younger children and playing..."
PROSECUTOR -- Objection, same grounds.
DEFENDANT -- (lays letter on bench) Your Honour, if you'll just let me read one more letter. (picks up letter, reads) "To whom it may concern. During the past two months, your defendant, Barbara Johnson, has single-handedly picked up all the road-side trash along third street from second avenue to sixth avenue...." (lays letter on bench)
PROSECUTOR -- Objection, same grounds.
DEFENDANT -- Wait. I'm not done yet. (reads) "Ms Johnson repeated this trash pickup three times during the month of...." (lays letter on bench)
PROSECUTOR -- ...if it will help to move things along, Your Honour, the state will stipulate that the box is full of testimonial letters equal to or greater than those she's already read.
DEFENDANT -- Thank you. I did a total of 814 good deeds since I... since the incident in question.
PROSECUTOR -- Very good. The state will stipulate to each and every one. Now, may I renew my objection?
JUDGE -- Is there a point to all of these letters, Ms Johnson?
DEFENDANT -- Well, I would have thought the impact would be obvious by now, Your Honour.
JUDGE -- I must be dense. Explain it to me.
DEFENDANT -- Well, since I... Since the incident in question, I have done good deeds far exceeding the value of the damage done to public property.
JUDGE -- And that's your defence?
DEFENDANT -- Yes. I thought I did a pretty good job.
JUDGE -- Well, you were wrong, Ms Johnson. I'm sorry you didn't consult a lawyer. You seem to have a misconception of what justice is all about.
DEFENDANT -- I... I don't understand.
JUDGE -- Your problem is, you're comparing apples with oranges. You're confusing FEELING guilty with BEING guilty. Perhaps doing good deeds will help you to FEEL less guilty. But good deeds do nothing to reduce the seriousness of the crime. In the eyes of the law, your 814 good deeds may as well have been 814 filthy rags.
DEFENDANT -- But... All my work!
JUDGE -- I'm sorry. (raises gavel) I hereby sentence the defendant to...
DEFENDANT -- Wait.
JUDGE -- Yes?
DEFENDANT -- I have no choice but to haul out my big guns.
JUDGE -- Your big guns?
DEFENDANT -- (lifts a handful of papers from the box, lays them in front of Judge singly as she describes each one) Here are three certificates of baptism.
PROSECUTOR -- Baptism?!
JUDGE -- Baptism?!
DEFENDANT -- In one baptism I was sprinkled by a priest who has ties to the Pope. In the second baptism I was immersed by a pastor who pronounced the word "God" with two syllables. In the third, just to be on the safe side, I was immersed by a pastor who speaks in tongues.
PROSECUTOR -- Objection. Same grounds.
DEFENDANT -- Wait. This paper certifies that on my second baptism, I remained immersed for two minutes and twelve seconds. That's a personal best for me.
JUDGE -- Objection sustained. Ms Johnson, baptism is required as a ritual of the church, but even in the church it does nothing to remove your guilt under the law.
DEFENDANT -- Alright, in that case, I have a certificate showing that I confessed ALL my sins, including breaking the window.
PROSECUTOR -- Objection. Same grounds.
DEFENDANT -- But I confessed to a priest, (offers one page for each person mentioned) a rabbi and a protestant minister!
JUDGE -- Objection sustained. Ms Johnson, confession is good for the soul. The Bible says that it even brings healing. But it has no value in removing your guilt under the law.
DEFENDANT -- Alright, in that case, I have a certificate showing that I have received communion every morning for six weeks.
PROSECUTOR -- Objection. Same grounds.
JUDGE -- Objection sustained. Ms Johnson, I'm sure that spending so much time in church makes you a better person. But, communion has no value in removing your guilt under the law.
DEFENDANT -- Alright, in that case, I have the coup de grace.
JUDGE -- The coup de grace?
DEFENDANT -- A certificate that says that I have received the sacrament of extreme unction.
PROSECUTOR -- Objection. (pause) Wait a minute. Extreme unction? What's that?
DEFENDANT -- I have no idea. All I know is that it took me five shampooings to wash the olive oil out of my hair.
JUDGE -- The sacrament of extreme unction is performed on terminally ill and injured people. I'm not sure about it's origin, but it's not even in the Bible. And it certainly has no effect in removing guilt under the law.
DEFENDANT -- Oh. I thought I had you. There must be something I can do to remove my guilt.
JUDGE -- Yes, I suppose you can get a higher authority to commute your sentence or pardon you altogether. But until then, you are stuck with your guilt. I hereby sentence you to three days in jail. (pounds gavel) This court is adjourned. (pounds gavel, exits)
DEFENDANT -- Wait! (picks up box, follows) Tell me about this higher authority. How do I get a pardon? Your Honour?
-Bob Snook-
Titus 3
1 Remind them to be subject to rulers and authorities, to obey, to be ready for every good work,
2 to speak evil of no one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing all humility to all men.
3 For we ourselves were also once foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful and hating one another.
4 But when the kindness and the love of God our Savior toward man appeared,
5 not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit,
6 whom He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior,
7 that having been justified by His grace we should become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.
8 This is a faithful saying, and these things I want you to affirm constantly, that those who have believed in God should be careful to maintain good works. These things are good and profitable to men.
Ephesians 2
1 And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins,
2 in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience,
3 among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others.
4 But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us,
5 even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved),
6 and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,
7 that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.
8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God,
9 not of works, lest anyone should boast.
10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
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